"It's Racism, Sexism, and all kind of Isms"

"It's Racism, Sexism, and all kind of Isms" --Perry Wooten, Harris County Constable, after being convicted of theft from Harris County, blaming his situation on 'isms.'

Wasn't Obama Supposed to Fix All This Racism?...
I'm not saying I work for the Houston Fire Department, but I happen to know that, lately, they've been having a lot of problems with Racism, Sexism, and all kinds of 'isms.' I'm sure HFD has had a lot of problems with 'isms' over the years, but recently, it seems like it's become a lot worse. When I say it's become a lot worse, I don't mean racism or sexism; I really just mean ALLEGATIONS of racism or sexism have become worse.

Wasn't all this stuff supposed to go away when Obama was elected President? Wasn't that supposed to make black people, and minorities in general, feel empowered and feel like the world isn't out to get them anymore? ...Because..., if Obama can become President, then obviously people aren't racist anymore, right? In fact, I know a lot of people (black and white) voted for Obama for very few other reasons, other than that he's black (although, somehow, that's not racism). White people voted for Obama, because in some ways, they were hoping, if a black man was elected, then it would prove that the majority of the U.S. is not racist anymore, and minorities no longer have a reason to blame their problems on 'isms.'

The Noose in the Locker Incident...The Incident That Started Everything...
Recently, a white Captain of HFD was discovered to be in possession of a noose, hanging on the inside of his locker door. It was determined by HFD that the possession of a piece of rope, tied in the formation of noose, was racially offensive to black people.

I don't know how a noose ever became a symbol of racism. I've tied a lot of nooses, and I've never once thought about hanging a black person when I tied a noose. I've also spoken with several other white people, and none of them apparently knew they were being racist when they tied a noose. Apparently, black people are offended by nooses because nooses were used to hang black people in "lynchings." I would bet that a lot more white people have been hung by a noose than black people. If anything, white people ought to be more offended by nooses.

Anyway, HFD decided that the possession of a noose is a racist statement, regardless of a person's intentions, and the Captain was reprimanded by his supervisor. His supervisor wrote a note in his personnel file (Form 42) and told him to remove the noose from his locker. Done deal, right? ...WRONG!

City Council Circus
Several months later, several black activists showed up to the Houston City Council to protest the fact that the "racist" Captain was not fired for being in possession of a noose. They complained about racism within HFD, and they demanded that the City fire the Captain, his supervisor, the Fire Chief, and the Assistant Fire Chief, because the Captain had a piece of rope, tied in a racist manner, and his supervisors failed to fire him. At one point, the president of the BLACK FIRE FIGHTERS UNION, Captain Otis Jordan, was in possession of noose, and he was waving it in the air toward a group of black people in the audience. How is that not racism? I guess black people can't be racist, even when they are waving a noose at a bunch of black people?

One of the most educational aspects of the City Council meeting was when a fine, upstanding, highly educated, black citizen of Houston also declared the word "picnic" to be a racist word, stating that the word was derive from the two words "pick" and "nigger;" and she said that a "picnic" was originally an occasion in which white people gathered to "pick a nigger and lynch him." Snopes.com disagrees with this assertion.

I've heard there will be a Public Safety meeting, open to the public, on July 24th, wherein they will discuss whether this Captain should be fired, and what should be done in the FD to prevent future racist rope configurations.

Zero Tolerance Policy...Let's Fire Some White Folks For Arbitrary Reasons!
City Council wants to institute a "Zero Tolerance Policy" on racism, in which, if someone decides to be offended by something (anything), then the offender will get fired. One city council woman, Yolanda Jones, stated, "I can't believe they have a Zero Tolerance Policy on smoking a BLUNT, but they don't have a Zero Tolerance Policy on racism" (she repeated this statement approximately 5 times). Jo-Jo also began crying when one of the other city council members stated that she was 'not aware of a noose being a symbol of racism, and she reasoned that it's possible that some people don't know that black people are offended by nooses.' Jo-Jo wildly and tearfully ranted about 'how could anyone live in Texas and not know that nooses are racist symbols?'

Since the racist rope configuration was found, HFD has issued an Order to its employees to not be racist anymore. The FD told its employees that if you don't know if a word or symbol is offensive, you should go to the Assistant Chief and ask him if it is considered to be offensive. White male members of HFD might as well just bring a Webster's dictionary and every object in the world to the Assistant Chief and ask him to clarify which items are racist, ...especially if there is going to be a "Zero Tolerance Policy" on racism, in which racism is defined by anyone who feels like he is offended by anything.

I guess they're going to have to make a list of all the words and objects that are considered to be offensive, so that everyone will know what they are. Then, if they're going to make a list of things white males can't say or do, I figure white people should come up with a list of all the things that offend them also. We can't have white people being the only people in jeopardy of losing their jobs for being racist. I suggest white people should decide to be offended by a "granny knot," since it's called a granny knot because dumb, white grannies didn't know any better than to tie a granny knot. Then, if we ever see someone with a "granny knot," they will be fired.

Diversity Training To The Rescue
In addition to issuing an Order to not be racist anymore, HFD created a course in diversity, and required all of its members to take the course. The course explained that we should not discriminate or prejudge, because nobody is different; however, the course further explained that people are different from each other because of their race, culture, or ethnicity. Then the course explained some of the differences in people's race, culture, and ethnicity.

I'm confused! Are groups of people different from each other or aren't they different? If I'm being told that one group of people, differentiated by certain traits, are different from another group of people, then shouldn't I be able to prefer one group of people over another (discriminate or prejudge)? If black people are going to say "Our culture," or "Our people," or "My brothers/sisters," or "Our Community," or just say "We" or "Us;" then shouldn't white people also be able to recognize that there are different cultures, characterized by certain attitudes, customs, forms of dressing, or forms of speaking; and shouldn't white people be able to point out the differences between the cultures and express which differences they prefer or don't prefer? Black people can support businesses of "their people," or "hire one of their own," or prefer to socialize with a fellow "brother/sister;" but white people can't have similar preferences?

If there are differences, then some of the differences are going to be good, and some of them are going to be bad, based on the relative perspective of each individual, right? However, if you're a white person, don't let anyone catch you saying anything bad about "You people" or "those people." Black people can say "We" and "Us," but white people can't say "You" or "Them." You can say positive things about black people, like "they sure are athletic," or "they sure dance well," or "those black comedians sure are funny, especially when they make fun of white people," or "I'm sure glad a black man is the president;" but don't be caught saying "black people annoy me, because of blank." Chris Rock is not a racist when he points out all the positive and negative differences between black people and white people, but Cosmo Cramer is a racist.

Other 'Ism' Incidents in HFD...

The Unintentional Racist Radio Broadcast Incident...
When the racist rope was found in a Captains locker, the local news ran stories about the incident and interviewed black people in the community. One black person stated he 'couldn't trust a red-neck with a noose in his locker to provide good service to his people.' A few weeks after this incident occurred, a couple of (allegedly white) firefighters (allegedly from Station 9) were talking about the incident and the reaction of the City of Houston, and they accidentally had their microphone keyed on their radio. Their conversation was broadcasted across the entire city, over fire department radios.

In their conversation, they expressed that they were upset that black people can call white people "red-necks," without repercussion, and they said they should jump on the 'ultra-sensitive bandwagon' and be offended that black people called the Captain a "red-neck." They also mentioned that black people can create a "United Negro College Fund" & "Black Caucus;" but if white people were to create a "White College Fund" or a "White Caucus," then people would "have a stroke," and accuse them of being racist.

These firefighters were actually decrying racism. They were explaining that they don't like the fact that when black people are racist, they get away with it. They were explaining that it wasn't fair that white people are persecuted for racism, but black people are almost encouraged to be racist.

Anyway, the local news channels got a hold of the radio broadcast tapes, and they played them on the news. Once again, the news channels gathered black people's reactions to their conversation. The black community was very upset, they accused the firefighters of being racist, and the Fire Chief was grilled for allowing racism in his fire department, once again. Black people wondered how these racists could be relied upon to give quality service to other black people in the City of Houston.

The not-so-funny thing is, these firefighters were anything but racist; they were actually speaking out against racism. They were speaking out against racism by black people on white people. It's odd that when white people accuse black people of being racist, the white people are labeled racists, and their ability to provide quality service is called into question; however, if a black person calls a white person a racist, he is considered to be a heroic 'whistle-blower.'

As it turns out, the Fire Chief promised to investigate who the perpetrators were of such a racist conversation, and he promised to punish them for saying such anti-racist things.

The Women's Restroom Graffiti Incident...
Somebody wrote some graffiti on the wall of the women's restroom at Station 54, an airport rescue station. It is rumored that the graffiti said something about "die," "females," and "niggers." In addition, someone defiled a photo of Jane Draycott and her daughter, who was killed in a car accident in 2006, writing "die" on Jane's face and "dead" on her daughter's face. HFD promised to investigate the incident, and they even promised to bring in the U.S. Justice Department to investigate the incident.

Many firefighters believe Jane Draycott wrote the graffiti herself. There are rumors that Jane normally shows up to the fire station at around 6:05-6:10, without any make-up, and without her hair done. On this morning, she showed up at around 5:30 with her make-up on and her hair done, as if she was preparing for something out of the ordinary. At approximately 7:00, the graffiti was found, the station captain was notified, and somehow the news channels were also notified.

The Intentional Radio Broadcast Incident...
Apparently, somebody broadcasted a bunch of racial slurs on a fire department radio. It was either a member of HFD, someone who stole a FD radio, or somebody figured out how to broadcast messages on a fire department radio frequency. The Fire Chief believes someone purchased a radio transmitter from Radio Shack, which is reportedly very easy to do, and they broadcasted racial slurs from their homemade radio. They know this because each radio transmission is stamped with a source code, and this particular radio broadcast came from an unknown source. The president of the Black Caucus stated that he thought this was not impossible, he demanded HFD find out which racist member of HFD broadcasted those racist slurs, and he demanded the racist be fired.

The Racist Cadets and Their Racist Rope Configurations
I never saw this story on the news, but I've heard that a cadet of the HFD academy was fired for being in possession of a noose (after the Captain with the Noose Incident). The cadet reportedly argued his case, and he was given another chance to go to the HFD Academy, but he had to go to a later class, and he lost all the time he had spent in his former HFD Academy class. The black cadet who reported the white cadet was in possession of a noose, later reported that two other cadets were in possession of nooses. The HFD Academy Administrators decided they should investigate the incident and see the nooses for themselves. They asked the black cadet to show them where the nooses were. When they found the "nooses," they found out they were not actually nooses; they were in fact Bowline knots, which are knots that each cadet is required to know. Bowline knots resemble nooses in appearance, but not in function.

How to Avoid Letting a Piece of Rope Get You Fired
If you are messing around with a piece of rope, do not allow it to end up in any of these configurations. Do not even tie your rope in any these racist knots if you need the knot for boating, fishing, or hunting; you will lose your job.



However, you may allow your rope to be tied in this configuration; but I would recommend if you do tie this knot, make sure you clearly label the knot a bowline knot, not a noose, or you may be fired anyway.


HFD Apparently Has a Problem With Racism, Sexism, and All Kind of 'Isms'
Is HFD racist, or are people being too sensitive? I don't know. What I do know is that people, in general, don't want to be racist. People have a natural desire to serve their own best interests. If it's beneficial for a person to associate with another person, then the person won't worry about skin color, sex, age, etc. People are generally trying to forget about the differences between them and other people. The problem is, they are constantly reminded of the differences by the very people who claim to be ending racism, sexism, and all other 'isms.'

My opinion is... if we want people to stop discriminating against other people, then let's stop pointing out the differences. If there are no differences between us, then stop saying "we," "us," and "our people." If there ARE differences between us, then stop choosing to be offended when other people recognize the differences.

The truth is, choosing to be offended is choosing to allow someone else to control your emotions. The fact that many black people are offended by the word "nigger" actually gives white people the power to control their emotions. A white person knows he can ruin a black person's day by just saying one little word. Why would you want to give that control to other people? It's like giving someone a 'ruin your day' button. Are you looking for ways to be offended, or are you looking for ways to not be offended? Do you actually WANT to be offended? If not, then stop looking for it.

If anything, the biggest reason people discriminate today is for the sole purpose of trying to avoid being put in a situation where they may have to defend allegations of some sort of 'ism.' People don't want to be around someone who might accuse them of 'isms,' and get them in trouble. Stop accusing people of being racist and sexist, and maybe people will start wanting to be around you, and most of all, they'll stop thinking of you as being different. Nothing creates a hostile work environment more than accusations of 'isms.'

Stop being offended, stop making 'ism' accusations, stop pointing out the differences between you and other people all the time (and then being offended when other also recognize the differences), attempt to blend in a little & get along with people, and maybe people will stop having a reason to discriminate against you and prejudge you. If you think you're different, then don't be offended when other people agree with you. If you don't want to be different, then make an attempt to blend in, and stop giving people reasons to believe you're different.

In general, people aren't afraid of snakes with rattles on their tales for no reason. People discriminate for a reason. It's a good human trait to develop. Discrimination is what keeps people from wanting to pet wild bears, and it's what attracts them to cute puppies. It's also what helps people avoid associations with people that may cause them harm. How did "Discrimination" become a negative human trait? If you don't want people to discriminate against you, then stop giving them reasons to discriminate. If you want to be different, then realize that other people are justified in discriminating against you.

I Think We Really Saved the World This Time...

Super-Magic, Paramedical Healification Machinery
6:24 We responded to the home of a 32 y/o HF CO breathing too much and feeling light-headed. The paramedics showed up and ran a 12-lead on her, and then they told her that nothing appeared to be wrong with her. After they told her the machine said nothing was wrong, she stopped hyperventilating, she stated she felt fine, and she decided she didn't need an ambulance anymore. I guarantee she'll call us the next time it happens so we can fix her again with our machines.

Kashi Cereal Attack
10:41 We responded to the home of a 40 y/o AF because she was reported as having blood gushing from her nose as she was arguing with her boyfriend on the front lawn. The neighbors thought they would do the nicest thing a neighbor can do for another neighbor and call an ambulance for her. When we arrived, the boyfriend was gone, and she told us she didn't want an ambulance. We noticed there was a book on the table called, "Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them." We asked her what was going on. She explained they were arguing and SHE chucked a box of Kashi cereal at HIM. After that, the boyfriend stormed out of the house while she pursued him, yelling at him. She says the boyfriend never hit her, and she didn't have any marks or blood that would indicate he did hit her. When the boyfriend walked away, after being a victim of a Kashi cereal attack, the neighbor who called 911 gave chase to the fleeing victim, eventually apprehending him and bringing him to justice. When the neighbor brought the boyfriend back in a car, the boyfriend was talking to his anger counselor on the phone. Apparently the neighbor got a little too excited over the situation since, as it turns out, nothing really happened.

Diabetes & The Holy Ghost Apparently Have Very Similar Symptoms
11:18 We responded to a Baptist church near downtown for a 42 y/o BM CO low blood sugar. He took his insulin, just before going to church, didn't eat, and proceeded to very actively praise Jesus for a couple of hours. Eventually he fell out, and his fellow worshippers eventually realized he wasn't just having a Holy Ghost attack. After we gave him some D50 (sugar), the Holy Ghost left him, and he became coherent. We asked him if he had food at the house, and he said he did, but he didn't like any of the food he had. One of the church members went and bought him a turkey & ham sandwich, on wheat, with lettuce, tomatoes, and swiss cheese. She also gave him some chicken noodle soup and 4 packs of Zesta crackers. Mmmm...Mm.

We Saved A Man From Being Put Out of His Misery
12:01 We were called to a nursing for a 75 y/o BM receiving CPR. The nurses found him dead for unknown reasons, and he was dead for an unknown period of time. When we asked what medical conditions he had, the nursing home didn't know. Why should they know what medical conditions their patient has, right? Knowing the patient's medical conditions doesn't make the government check any bigger. We took over CPR, and surprisingly, we got pulses back on the guy. Now he can be in a permanent vegatative state in the nursing home that doesn't care enough about him to find out his medical conditions. The dude may have been better off if he had just died.

What? An Ambulance Can't Detect Internal Hematomas?
14:07 We responded to the high-rise condominium unit of a 64 y/o WF CO a snow globe breaking on her head. She did not have any cuts or contusions; she didn't even have much pain. She just worried that it might have caused an internal hematoma. We told her we had no way of knowing if she had an internal hematoma, but we could take her to the hospital, and they could find out. She said, "well aren't you paramedics?" We said, "yes, we are, but that doesn't certify us to know if you have an internal hematoma." Eventually she realized we were worthless, and she decided she didn't need us. Education is so annoying, isn't it?

Do-Gooders, Attempting to Ruin a 2 Y/O's Life
17:59 We responded to the parking lot of a car wash for a 2 1/2 y/o HF CO a bleeding and swollen top lip. Bystanders stated the driver of the car (the father of the little girl) pulled into the parking lot, and turned around and beat the girl. The bystanders called us and the police, and they detained the family. The bystanders were super emotional when we arrived. One guy even told us he was about to kick the guy's ass, but he thought he shouldn't since the little girl was there (how many times have you heard a guy say, "I'd kick his ass, BUT..."?). The family denied the father beat the girl. They say they stopped suddenly and she hit her lip on the seat. They say they pulled over and frantically pulled her out of the seat because they were worried. They say the little girl resisted because she was hurt and scared. The bystanders misinterpreted that as being abuse.

As we were leaving for the hospital, with the little girl and her mother in the ambulance, one of the bull-dyke bystanders opened the door to the ambulance and emotionally pleaded for the woman to tell the "truth" to the police. She said, "Please tell them the truth and press charges...just trust the police and social workers...tell them the truth...they'll help you...it will be OK."

That made me wonder, how does that bull-dyke know it will be OK? Suppose the man did hit his daughter on the lip; would it be better for the little girl if her father was locked up in prison for the next 5 years, raped by other inmates and given HIV, while the family struggles to put food on the table without the father working for a living? Or would it be better for the little girl if they sent her to a foster home, where the foster parents don't give a shit about her...they only care about the gubment check they get every month for being foster parents? The foster parents will likely sexually or physically abuse her even more than the father did. How is that better than taking an occasional punishment from your father? Since when is it the job of the rest of the world to tell people how to punish their kids? And since when is not having a father, or being lost in our socialist foster care system, better than occasionally being punished by a father?

Dislocated Shoulder
21:08 We responded to the home of a 32 y/o WF who slipped and fell on the stairs. She hurt her shoulder and her right flank. She had extensive bruising and a possibly dislocated shoulder. We took her to the hospital in the ambulance, since she was in a little bit of pain. The ambulance makes pain completely disappear, in case you didn't know...

Doctors Doing What Doctors Do Best...Calling Less Qualified EMT's
00:00 We responded to the super nice home of a 72 y/o AM CO altered mental status. The family of the patient said his mental status has been deteriorating over the past 1 1/2 hours. Everyone in the house was a doctor, so they did they best thing they could do for the guy...they called a couple of far-less-qualified, EMT-Basics to take care of him. The patient walked to the ambulance, and we took him to the hospital for a possible stroke. The family followed behind us in their car, after they told us which hospital to go to (which was not the closest stroke facility).

Blue Pill Neutralizers To The Rescue
6:23 We responded to the home of a 24 y/o WM CO feeling like his throat was closing up from the "blue pills" he took recreationally 4 hours prior to calling 911. He said he was at a party and he wasn't feeling good, so he walked 4 miles to his house, so he could call 911. The house party was only a couple of miles from the closest hospital. We mitigated his highly emergent condition by driving him to the hospital in our giant, gubment-funded, magic, blue-pill neutralizing machine (the ambulance).

Deep Throat?...Sometime Around 2001-2002

So I was minding my own business, happily serving the citizens of my city by providing emergency medical services, as usual, and I was called to a sick person.

I arrived to find a 60+ y/o WM complaining of complications caused by his chronic illnesses. He had Hepatitis-C, and he had lost quite a bit of weight in the previous few weeks. He was dehydrated, and he thought he was about to die. To me, he also appeared to be on death's door. He weighed about 120 pounds, and he had trouble standing up by himself. He wanted to go to the VA Hospital, so I happily obliged. I probably even said something like, "Anything you'd like sir...at your service," because that's the type of civil servant I am.

When he and I were alone in the back of the ambulance, on the way to the hospital, he told me I was a really nice guy, and he told me that he thought he was probably going to die soon. I didn't disagree. Then he said, "I want to tell you something...Have you ever heard of Deep Throat?" I said, "Yeah...from the Watergate thing (as opposed to the porno)?" Then he replied, in a very deep voice, "Well, you're looking at him."

He didn't appear to be the typical crazy, drunk, delusional, Vietnam Vet; everything he had said, up until then, seemed perfectly coherent and reasonable. He was looking at me like he was dead serious, while I was smiling, waiting for the joke. All in all, I had trouble doubting what he said.

I was kind of flustered and slightly incredulous, and I responded, "(duh) Really, how many people know about this?" He said, "Including you, three." I said, "Woodard, Bernstein, and me?" He said, "Yep."

I proceeded to ask him a bunch of questions about his role in the government at the time, his history in the military, and the government agency for which he worked. At no point did he seem like a schizophrenic, drunk lunatic, with delusions of grandeur. I hear a lot of B.S. from our patients, but this guy did not seem like he was B.S.ing me. He told me detailed stories of being in the military and working in government agencies. I told him I was once interested in joining FBI or CIA, and he emphatically encouraged me not to do it, warning me that it would completely ruin my relationships with my wife and family.

I said goodbye to him at the hospital, and I thought about it all day. I tried to think of reasons why he would be lying to me or why he might have been a crazed lunatic, but the more I thought about it, the more I became convinced that he wasn't lying. Several months later, I thought about it again, and I attempted to look on the internet to see if anyone had researched the real identity of Deep Throat. I found quite a bit of information about Deep Throat, along with several lists of possible candidates. A guy named John Dean and several other college professors had apparently dedicated their lives to finding out who Deep Throat was. I almost felt bad that these dudes had dedicated their entire lives to figuring who Deep Throat was, and all I had to do was give him a ride in the ambulance and act nice to him.

Later, in 2005, it was revealed that William Mark Felt, Sr. was "Deep Throat." The funny thing was that William Mark Felt, Sr. was not the guy I transported to the hospital that day. However, it was interesting that, when it was revealed that Mr. Felt was Deep Throat, Mr. Felt had no memory of being Deep Throat. Apparently he had Alzheimer's Disease, and he couldn't remember much of anything, but since everyone was telling him that he was Deep Throat, he believed it and went along with it.

So...who is the real Deep Throat, and why would people want us to believe that it was William Mark Felt, Sr., when it really wasn't? Or...why was this seemingly normal & sane dude just lying to me about being Deep Throat? The world may never know. I wish I had the resources to find the guy I transported and ask him about all this stuff, but he's probably dead anyway.

A Few Deaths, A Possible Hobo-MI, And a Bunch of B.S.

Only WE Are Capable of Professionally Asking, "Are you OK?"
8:10 We were called to a motor vehicle incident by a bystander. When we showed up, we asked if everyone was OK. The bystander said, "I think everyone is OK, but I wanted you guys to go check out that little boy over there...I don't think he has any injuries, but I just wanted you guys to check him out." I said, "Well, sir, I'll go over there and ask him if he's OK, then I'll ask his if he's OK, but that's all I can really do without an X-ray machine." It turns out, the boy said he did not have any injuries, and his mom said he was OK. ...I'm glad I could professionally do what no citizen is quite as capable as I am of doing...ask someone if they are injured and if they need an ambulance.

Imagine How Many Ambulances We Would Need If Everyone Called For Every Migraine Headache...
12:43 We were called to a 28 y/o HF complaining of migraine headaches. She was driving to go pick up her child from school, and when she arrived at the school, she couldn't take it anymore, and someone called 911 for her. She has an extensive history of migraine headaches, and her head was hurting since early that morning, with no change in pain. We drove her to the hospital where the doctors confirmed that did in fact have migraines, and she needs to take her medicine. If we transported every person that ever got a migraine headache, we would do nothing more than transport migraine headache victims.

Hobo With a Possible MI
14:40 We were called to the parking lot of a liquor store for a 62 y/o WM hobo, who was complaining of chest pain. We transported him to the hospital for a possible MI. We gave him aspirin and started an IV of Sodium Chloride. We pretty well saved his glorious life.

Do You REALLY Want Socialized Health Care for Everyone?
16:04 We were called to the home of a 35 y/o HF who was complaining of abdominal pain for the past 3 days. She went to the county hospital the day prior to calling us, but she left the socialized health care hospital after waiting for 8 hours with no help. She called us 15 1/2 hours after leaving the hospital, because she couldn't take the pain anymore. We gladly returned her to the socialized health care hospital, where they asked us to put her in the waiting room, along with the other 100+ people waiting for socialized health care.

Guy Does Nothing to Help Himself and Somehow Still Feels Sick
19:24 A 55 y/o HM called us because he was feeling kind of sick. He just left the hospital yesterday, where he was told that he has a pancreas infection, kidney failure, and he needs dialysis. He called us because, one day later, after doing nothing to fix his infection or need for dialysis. He said he still feels sick, so he needs to go back to the hospital.

Did Not Consult a Physician Before Running on a Treadmill
21:01 We were called to the apartment of a 24 y/o WF (she was actually kind of hot), who was complaining of breathing problems. She starting working out tonight, for the first time in a long time, and she couldn't catch her breath. When she couldn't catch her breath, she started to panic, and when she started to panic, she couldn't catch her breath even more. She was hyperventilating. After talking to her for a while, her breathing slowed down, she felt fine, and she decided she didn't need an ambulance. She obviously did not follow the instructions on the sticker on the side of the treadmill, which clearly stated, "Please consult a physician before running on this treadmill."

Just Another Car Accident...2 Dead, 1 Alive, 1 Unknown...
00:29 We were called to just another motor vehicle incident... ... ... ... Not. When we arrived, one guy had already been transported to the hospital with a severed spinal cord (later I heard that he didn't make it), and another dude was covered with a sheet, pronounced dead on the scene. Both dudes were thrown from their Cadillac when it started rolling, when they didn't make a corner at 100+ MPH on a 3-lane street. Our patient was a 21 y/o HF, who was still trapped in the mangled Cadillac. She was not wearing her seatbelt, but somehow she stayed inside the car. The rescue crew spent about 30 minutes to tear apart the car in order to get her out. Surprisingly, she appeared to have very minor injuries, she was conscious but intoxicated, and it looks like she was going to make it. The scary part of this whole incident was when we found an empty car seat in the back seat of the Cadillac. We asked the girl if she has a baby; she said yes. We asked her if the baby was in the car with her, and she said yes. We looked everywhere for a baby, but we didn't find anything. We tried our best to find out, but we still have no idea if there was a baby in the car. We're hoping that the girl was intoxicated, and she was confused about the baby being in the car.

Breathing Problem, 4 Blocks From the Hospital
3:56 We were called to a (closed) convenience store for a 52 y/o WM hobo, who calls us extremely often from this same location...it's the closest pay phone to his homeless hideout. This pay phone is precisely 4 blocks from the nearest hospital. If he would have started walking to the hospital right when he called us, he would have arrived at the hospital before we could have arrived at the convenience store. He complained of having breathing problems. He had just left the hospital a few hours prior for the same problem. He was not wheezing, and he had 100% oxygen saturation. I'm assuming he called us because it was very cold out. We took him to the hospital, just like we always do.

Very Successful Suicide Attempt...With the Help of an Online Tutorial
5:59 This call came in as a "Shooting...Bystander CPR in Progress." We arrived to find a 28 y/o WM laying in his bed, covered in blood and brains, and his mother was giving him chest compressions. She was also covered in blood & brains. The chest compressions had no chance of helping him, because he had done a REALLY good job of shooting himself in the head. She was really just pumping the blood & brains out of the hole in his head with every compression.

The mother said she heard two simultaneous shots while she was sleeping, and she ran to his room and found him dead (yes, two shots...I don't know how, but there were two shells on the floor....I'm guessing the second shot was due to a finger-reflex, as he was dying).

One of the most interesting aspects of this suicide was that the guy shot himself while following internet instructions on how to shoot yourself in the head. His laptop was in his bed, opened to the internet site. Apparently he was following the internet instructions like someone would follow internet instruction on 'how to fix your dishwasher.' The internet website is http://community.livejournal.com/prodeath/29306.html, in case you sick freaks want to take a look. Below, I've posted some of the pictures from the website, but the website also has a bunch of other pictures of people who were unsuccessful at shooting themselves, in addition to some instructional text. It's worth taking a look, especially if you're looking for an instructional tutorial.

The guy's mother asked a firefighter to assist her in calling some friends and family. One of those people was the guy's fiancee, who was at the guy's house the night before, playing Scrabble (I forgot to ask who won...I'm guessing the suicidal guy didn't win). The firefighter called the fiancee and told her that something was wrong, and that she needed to come over to the house. She said she would be there in 5 minutes.

My partner and I had put away some equipment and finish writing our report, so we went out to the ambulance. We were both sitting in the front seat, talking about what we just saw, and I mentioned that I wanted to go back in the house when the girlfriend arrived. Surprisingly, he said that he also wanted to be there when she arrived. I asked him why HE wanted to be there when the fiancee arrived, and he said it was because he wanted to see if she was good-looking, since she was now a single female. I laughed, and then I revealed that I wanted to be there when she arrived because I wanted to see how she would react. He was appauled by my reason and called me a "sick, morbid bastard." I found that amusing, considering his reasons.

The end result was that, while we were discussing our equally sick reasons for wanting to see the fiancee arrive at the house, the fiancee snuck by us, and we missed her. Later we found out that she started crying hysterically, and she wanted to see the body, but the police wouldn't let her.

Here are the instructional pictures from the website...

Damn Those Freeloading Illegal Aliens...And All Freeloaders, For That Matter

Being the holiday season, I want to discuss Freeloading Illegal Aliens...

The most frustrating part of my job is not necessarily that I missed the end of "My Name Is Earl," because I had to respond to a B.S. call, by a drive-by, cell-phone-hero; nor is it that I had to get out of bed at 4:30 AM to drive a 70 y/o WF, from an assisted-living home, to the hospital for the Flu, because she didn't want to bother her son (which happened last night). I'm not frustrated because I have to work a little while I'm at work.

The most frustrating part of my job is having to facilitate the blatant abuse of the gubment-funded 911 emergency services, and seeing, on a run by run basis, what a complete waste of (involuntarily paid) taxpayer money the ambulance is.

Ambulance abusing freeloaders come in all shapes and sizes, but a universally-despised, favorite flavor of ambulance abuser is the illegal alien.

It's very common to hear other EMS workers, hospital staff, firefighters, police officers, and bystanders say things like, "Damn illegal aliens...They shouldn't even be here," or "Why should we help them...they don't have insurance...they're not even citizens," or "Why should the rest of us have to pay for these damn illegal aliens?"

For example...

We got a call at around 10 PM to a nearby hospital for an ObGyn problem (I can't describe how much I love malfunctioning vagina problems). Our computer specified the room of the hospital in which we could find our esteemed client. It was the Labor and Delivery department! We wondered, 'what are a couple of ill-equipped, under-trained, ignorant EMT's going to do for a malfunctioning vagina, that an L&D department can't do?' I mean, whenever we encounter a malfunctioning vagina, that's where we take them...to the L&D department of a hospital!

We arrived to find a 22 y/o hispanic female, laying on a bed, in the L&D department, wearing a hospital gown, and fully adorned in electronic medical monitoring equipment. She was 9 months pregnant, and she was well into labor. Her husband told us he wanted us to take her to a different hospital. They were unhappy with the free hospital care they were receiving at this hospital.

The patient had a C-section for her first child, and the hospital wanted to do a C-section again (it's the hospital's policy). The woman did not want another C-section, but the woman didn't bother researching the hospital's policy before they showed up at the hospital to receive their free medical care.

One of the nurses pulled me aside and explained the situation to me. She said, "These people are a pain in my ass. They want to have a vaginal birth, but she's had a C-section before, so we have to do a C-section for this birth." (here comes the most interesting part of what the nurse told me) "The thing is...these people don't even have any insurance, and they're not even U.S. citizens! They're illegal aliens, and they shouldn't even be here in the U.S.! Just please, get them out of here and take them to the free county hospital or something!"
As it turns out, we did not take her to a different hospital. Our policy states that we can't remove patients from a facility, which is capable of handling their emergency. She was already in a facility which was capable of handling her emergency.

But, my point is...(and this is going to surprise some of you Socialists)...

What does citizenship status have to do with freeloading...who cares if a person is an illegal alien? How is one freeloader any better than another freeloader? Why is the general public willing to pay for non-taxpaying freeloaders born here in the United States, but somehow they have a problem with non-taxpaying freeloaders born in other countries? Why isn't the general public equally resistant to pay for ALL freeloaders? What the hell is the difference? Why does the general public seem to have bleeding-heart compassion for LEGAL losers in need of assistance, but somehow they have no compassion for ILLEGAL losers who need help? People are people, aren't they? If you think we should be pay for freeloading losers, then you should want to pay for ALL of them; and conversely, if you think we shouldn't be forced to pay for ILLEGAL freeloading losers, then you should not want to force people to pay for ANY freeloading loser.

It's not like there's an American flag, beating with patriotism, deep within my heart, every time I am privileged enough to pick up a pregnant 18 y/o, G-6, P-4, A-1, black female from the projects, because she's an AMERICAN CITIZEN; while I'm indignant about picking up her illegal hispanic equivalent. I'm just as irritated about facilitating the abuse of gubment services by LEGAL freeloaders as I am with ILLEGAL freeloaders. I don't want to force people to pay for either freeloading loser!

I have trouble understanding the argument, "we need to run these damn illegals out of our country, cause I don't want to have to pay for their school and medical care." Well...do you think I want to pay for the school and medical care of YOUR 12-15 toothless, white-trash, LEGAL children? Why don't we deport YOUR freeloading white kids along with all the freeloading hispanic kids that YOU want to deport?

Or...why not, instead of being upset at illegal aliens and wanting to deport them...why don't we just stop forcing taxpayers to pay for them? Would anyone even HAVE a problem with illegal aliens if they didn't have to fund their freeloading escapades? While we're at it, let's stop forcing people to pay for LEGAL freeloaders as well.

Would we consider ANY freeloader to be a problem, regardless of citizenship status, if we weren't forced to fund and facilitate freeloaders' addiction to gubment assistance? That's the most frustrating part of my job...facilitating freeloaders' addiction to gubment services, and witnessing it get worse and worse.

Merry Christmas!

Why EMT's Treat People Like Brain-damaged Three-year-olds...

Here's an e-mail I recently received from a blog reader...

I've read through your blog and enjoy it. Unfortunately I can't even laugh anymore at the stupidity of most people, I just shake my head and weep for humanity. Is it just my imagination, or is it whenever paramedics respond to a nonobvious broken bone (i.e a vertebra) they treat the pt like a brain-damaged three-year-old? Just would like your insight into this behaviour, as I've come across it before and never understood it.

A few days ago, we were called to a 2-car MVA by a police officer, who wanted us to come and "check a patient out." We arrived on scene approximately 30-40 minutes after the accident had occurred, and everyone was out of their cars, walking around. The patient was a 25 HF, who was the restrained driver of a moderately damaged 4-Runner, which T-boned a sedan. The patient was not at fault in the accident, according to witnesses, so the other guy had to pay for medical expenses.

The patient complained that she had pain and tingling on the left side of her face from hitting her face on the window (of the door). The patient told us she didn't want to go to the hospital, and she didn't even know why we were there; she said she didn't request us. We asked her if we could take her vitals, and while we took her vitals, which were normal, we tried to convince her to go to the hospital by ambulance. She refused transport and signed a refusal statement.

We stayed on scene for a while, because we were teaching a rookie how to call a supervisor for a refusal. Approximately 20-30 minutes later, after the patient talked to her ignorant friend (who had a working car, on scene), the patient came up to us and asked if it was too late to go with us to the hospital. Apparently her friend told her the other guy had to pay for the ambulance, she would be more likely to GET PAID if she went by ambulance, and she would get seen more quickly by the hospital if she went by ambulance (I actually overheard some of the conversation). So I said nothing but "sure," and I gave her and her friend a look like they were both brain-damaged 3-year-olds. We took her to the hospital, and the boyfriend followed us in his car. When we got to the hospital, she actually asked, "when can I take this thing off?" ...referring to the C-collar.

So, why do EMT's treat people with non-obvious broken bones like they are brain-damaged 3-year-olds? Because they act like brain-damaged 3-year-olds.

What's an ambulance going to do for a patient who's already been walking around an accident scene (in this case, she was walking around for about an hour)? At that point, what's the difference between going to hospital in the ambulance and going by private vehicle? The only thing we CAN do is immobilize the patient's spine. Immobilizing the spine doesn't do a whole lot of good when the patient is already walking around, or when a patient calls us three days after the accident (which DOES happen...often).

Patients are also known to complain about the backboard and C-collar or refuse the backboard and/or C-collar, like brain-damaged 3-year-olds, but they still want to go by ambulance.

Sometimes, people decide they want to go by ambulance when they feel like their muscles are starting to stiffen up a little bit. What's an ambulance going to do for stiff muscles?

Most of the time, people just want to go by ambulance because they're hoping they'll have a better lawsuit if they go by ambulance, or they figure they're not paying for it, so why not? People who are not at-fault in an accident go to the hospital far more often than people who cause accidents. I wonder why.

When I, and most other EMT's, suspect a patient truly does have a broken vertebrae, we take it very seriously, and we do whatever we can to make sure the person doesn't end up paralyzed. Usually, when a person is still sitting in the car, or laying outside of the car, making some attempt to remain immobile, we are far more likely to NOT treat that person like a brain-damaged 3-year-old.

Know-it-all EMT's, spare all of us your stupid stories about, 'one time...this dude was walking around the scene of a minor accident, and I heroically talked him into going by ambulance, and..., and..., I saved his life, caused he had a C3 fracture, which goes to show,...' It goes to show you're a self-promoting blow-hard. Yeah...I get that it happens sometimes...and I get that adrenaline masks pain sometimes, which is why we take everyone that wants to go. We just treat them like brain-damaged 3-year-olds when they act like brain-damaged 3-year-olds.

"Right" to Medical Care...WTF, Mate?

This sign, based on the "EMTALA" law, is posted in every emergency room in our little socialist town. Notice the "rights" this sign grants you...

I don't know if that's what Thomas Jefferson had in mind when he talked about our unalienable rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Tell me we don't currently have socialized health care in America! It's no wonder why so many hospitals are going out of business. If you privately owned a convenience store, should the federal government be able to FORCE you to provide food for any hobo who says he is hungry?

Imagine you found yourself as one of five people, living in a deserted area (you are the only five people of which you are aware)...

What rights would you have?

Would you have the right to force any of the other four people to provide you with medical care? (It depends on who has the biggest weapons, right?)

Why are your "rights" any different in a larger society?

How many people must a society contain in order for you to start having the right to force other people to give you their time or property?

Isn't it called "slavery" when you force someone to give you their time and labor? I thought we were all free at last.

Who's Responsible For This Guy's Death?

Who's responsible for Ed Givens' death?



I know exactly what these paramedics said. I've been in this situation a thousand times, along with every other ambulance driver in every major city.

They said, "you're apparently a very healthy 39 y/o, your vitals are stable, your pulseOx is good, your EKG looks good, and we don't detect any problem. Our guess is that it's probably just heartburn, since you probably have a history of heartburn, and we don't see anything else. However, we don't know for sure...it could be a heart attack, but WE can't tell. Only a doctor could tell you for sure. You could go with us to the hospital, in which case we would just be giving you a ride, since we don't have any drugs to give you for a condition we can't detect. Or...you could go in your own car to the hospital, you could call your doctor and see what he says, or you could try taking some antacid, see if that helps, and go to the doctor if it doesn't help. It's up to you, but we don't detect any problems right now."

If these paramedics "refused" to transport this guy, which I highly doubt, why didn't these Victicrats just take him in their own car (or call a friend/take a bus/take a taxi)? The guy died SIX HOURS LATER! Really, didn't Lolitha, Anthony, & Sabrina "refuse" to transport him more than the paramedics did? Where was his caring, ultra-helpful family during his final six hours of life?

Why did they call the ambulance in the first place? If you're having a problem, and you're capable of getting your sorry pile of flesh into the car and going to the hospital, shouldn't you just go, without involving the ambulance? Were they hoping the paramedics would give them a free house call, check him out, and either tell him he didn't need to go or give him some free medz? Has that become the purpose of the ambulance?

NOTE TO IGNORANT PUBLIC... CALL THE AMBULANCE WHEN YOU ABSOLUTELY KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO THE HOSPITAL, AND YOU ABSOLUTELY NEED THE AMBULANCE TO GET THERE! DON'T CALL WHEN YOU'RE NOT SURE IF YOU WANT TO GO, AND YOU'RE HOPING THE AMBULANCE WILL COME TELL YOU EVERYTHING'S OK OR GIVE YOU SOME FREE SHIT TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

If the paramedics failed to save this guy, is it THEIR fault that he died, or is it the fault of the patient (and his family) that he died from a problem which he caused to HIMSELF, from which HE failed to save HIMSELF? What would have happened to this guy if there was no such thing as paramedics...whose fault would it be then? Isn't it just NICE if the paramedics CAN save you, but it's your own problem if they can't save you?

This would be a whole different scenario if the paramedics would have given him something or done something to him that would have killed him, but they didn't. They didn't 'fail to act,' either (save your whiny "Negligence" argument). They just failed to have enough knowledge or equipment to know this guy was having a problem (if he WAS having a problem at the time). The family's REAL complaint is that the paramedics didn't convince him to go in the ambulance, or in other words, the paramedics allowed him to decide for himself not to go.

Also, I want an autopsy. Who knows what kind of pillz Ed Givens took between the time the paramedics left and SIX HOURS LATER, when he was found dead.

In Case You Didn't Realize I Was a Hero...

Self-UN-Medicating Seizure Patient
11:54 We responded to a 35 y/o HM, working in a metal fabrication factory. According to bystanders, he fell down and had a seizure. When we arrived, he had already regained consciousness, and he told us that he did have a history of seizures, but he decided to stop taking his medications a long time ago. He said normally when he has seizures, he doesn't go to the hospital. So, we drove him to the hospital, so he could get a prescription for seizure meds which he wasn't going to fill.

Hospital Shopping
14:31 We were called to the apartment of a 55 y/o HF who was CO abdominal pain for the past few weeks. She said, "I wen to the hospita righ here close to my house las nigh, [her tone changes to an accusatory tone, and she begins to cry] but they refuse to trea me...I din thing they cou do tha." I asked her if the hospital did anything to help her, or if they just refused to see her. She said, [still crying] "well...yeah, they ran a bonch of tests and stoff and tol me I migh have diverticulitis, but then they tol me they wun't give me no drugs or nothin...they tol me I shud go to the county hospita if I wan to get drugs and further treatmen." So she went home, decided to wait about 12 hours, and then called a 911 emergency ambulance to take her to the county hospital. When we got to the county hospital, we walked her to the waiting room, and she got in line behind about 150 other people (about an 10-12 hour wait).

Very Ambulatory Hobo With Ankle Problem
17:16 We were called to a nearby fire station for a 65 y/o BM hobo with a hurt ankle, due to being hit by a car some time the night before. He walked a few miles to get to the fire station, walked into the station, and then walked into the ambulance, without any sign of distress. We took him to the hospital, and he walked to the waiting room, where I'd bet he walked out within a few hours.

Rear-Ended By Some Heroes, What Could Be More Reassuring?
19:24 A fire truck ran into the back of an SUV, because, according to the driver of the fire truck, the lady didn't pull to the right, and he had his lights and sirens on. The lady told us she couldn't pull to the right because there was traffic, so she just stopped where she was. Then she said, "I didn't think they could just run into the back end of my car if I couldn't pull to the right." I told her she probably had a pretty good point. She said she was terrified when she got hit, but then she saw the reassuring sight of a firefighter approaching her. She said that, instead of being reassuring, the hero began yelling at her, asking her why she didn't pull to the right. That's the way to be a hero...he may have rear-ended a helpless, innocent lady, but at least he made her feel bad about getting rear-ended. There weren't any injuries, but the firefighters called an ambulance anyway, just to CYA.

We Are Medical Geniuses
20:49 We responded to the home of an 80 y/o HF who fell out of her chair and couldn't get back up, which is a regular occurrence. When we got there, the husband was just arriving. He went in the house and picked her up. Then he walked her outside and asked us if we could check her out. We asked if she wanted to go to the hospital, since we're not doctors, and we can't really tell if you're OK or not OK, unless you're having a major problem (bleeding out of an artery in the neck, for example). They resolutely refused to go to the hospital and asked us again to just check her out right here, "like we did last time." It's so cute when people think we know enough about medicine to tell them if they're OK or not OK. So, we "checked her out," with our all-knowing, magical blood pressure cuff, and gave her a clean bill of health. They were satisfied with that.

What Can an Ambulance Do For a Broken Arm, You May Ask?
22:16 We responded to a street corner for a 15 y/o HM who had fallen down on his bicycle and hurt his arm. He had an obvious deformity to his forearm (broken arm). So we wrapped a placebo around his arm (crappy splint and a wrap) and drove him to the hospital. I tried to make the ride smooth, but he moaned every time we hit a bump...we have terrible suspension in the ambulance.

14 y/o Drinking Her Problems Away
23:16 It's that girl that had the tree limb fall on her arm (14 y/o WF). This time her father called 911 and reported she was unconscious/possible cardiac arrest. Her dad is actually a doctor. When we got there, she was lying on the ground, conscious, and puking green alcohol-smelling stuff (there was a bottle of watermelon-flavored Midori on the counter). We asked her if she had anything to drink. We expected this to be a stupid question, and we expected her to say, "duhhh...of course I did." Instead, she denied having anything to drink, even though she was puking green alcohol. Her dad also insisted it was not alcohol, saying it was more likely a hypoglycemic reaction, even though her blood sugar was normal. On the way to the hospital, she finally admitted that she might have drunk 5 shots and had some green Otter Pops. By the way, good news...her arm was healing quite nicely, and she was starting to be able to use her hand again.

Motorcycle Wreck...Probably Not Going to Make It
1:00 We were called to a Papa John's restaurant for a motorcycle wreck, with a possible severed thumb...Ho-hum, right?. Well, when we got there, we found a 30 y/o HM lying on the ground, unconscious, with a deformed left femur and multiple contusions to his torso. The motorcycle was demolished. He apparently ran into Papa John's at around 40 MPH. They said he was pulling in (he was a delivery driver), and all of the sudden, he just sped up and hit the wall. We called a fire truck and a paramedic squad, put a c-collar on his neck, put a traction splint on his leg, stripped him down, put him on a backboard, wrapped his thumb, and hauled ass to the hospital. He actually regained consciousness on the way to the hospital, but they had to knock him out again to tube him, since he had dimished breath sounds and a pulse Ox of 80. Later, the doctor told me the outlook was not good. He had a ruptured spleen, liver, and lung. We tried.

Here Come the Cops, Quick, Eat the Drugs...
2:42 The police called us for an OD. They watched a 48 y/o WF buy drugs from a guy, they followed her, and when they went to arrest her, she swallowed two crack rocks. After about 30-45 minutes, the police decided to call us, so that we could drive her to the hospital. We got her out of the police car, walked her to the ambulance, and drove her to the hospital. She said she felt fine, and she looked OK (pulse was a little high...around 100), but we took her anyway, because the police didn't want to take her. We dropped her off in the shock room where I'm sure they were about to pump her stomach. When we dropped her off, she still felt fine, 1 1/2 hours after ingesting the drugs.

Wrecker Drivers Being Heroes...Errr...Creating Business...
3:45 We were called to an unconscious person in a Walgreens parking lot. When we showed up, we found out it was a drunk person who decided to pull into a parking lot and sleep it off. We healed him by tapping on his window and waking him up. A tow truck driver was the hero who called us. Tow truck drivers actually do this quite often. They drive around and find people sleeping in their cars on the side of the road. They're hoping the person will be taken by either the ambulance or the police, and they'll get to tow the car. The police ended up taking this one for DUI/PI, and the wrecker driver was rewarded with a tow.

2 Cars, 1 Pole, No People...
3:56 We were called to a motor vehicle accident. When we got there, we found a car, which had run into a pole, but there were no people. The people who live near the accident said the guy hit the pole, then the car behind him hit the back end of his car. The driver of the car that hit the pole jumped out of his car and got in the car of the person who ran into the back end of his car, and then they drove away in a car that barely moved, due to extensive damage. So...the people did what responsible citizens do best, they called 911 for an ambulance for a guy who took off.

When Do YOU Call A 911 Ambulance For Someone?

The other day, somebody called 911 for a person who was apparently sleeping near the side of the road. When we got there, all we found was a pile of clothing, which was stacked on top of a bucket, and possibly, maybe appeared to be a person sleeping, from the perspective of somebody driving by at 50 MPH.

We called the guy back on his cell phone (the caller's phone number comes up on our computer), and we asked him where the person was and how the caller knew that the person needed an ambulance. The caller said he didn't know if the person needed help, he just thought that maybe he did. We asked him if he knew if it was even a person, and he said he didn't know. We asked him why he didn't stop and find out, and he said it was because he was in a car and there was a lot of traffic. The caller was not willing to come back to the location to show us where he thought he saw a person.

It gets worse.

20 minutes later, we got called to the same exact location, for the same exact thing, but it was from a different caller, who was also driving by at 50 MPH, and also didn't bother stopping to check to see if it was actually a person. We called him back also. He didn't answer, so we left a message, politely asking him to return to the location, and show us where the person is that needed our help. We told him we found a pile of clothes that might look like a person (to an imbecile), but we didn't find a person. He never responded. In case anyone wants to call the guy and ask him what the hell he was thinking that night, his phone number is 512-431-2164, and his name is Chris Simonson.

I dismantled the pile of clothing, and amazingly, we did not get called back to that location again. We should make a law, declaring that hobos hereby may not pile clothing in such a manner to resemble a sleeping person, punishable by banishment to Uruguay, along with the imbecile that called 911 for the pile of clothing.

In our little socialist society, the ratio of basic ambulances to people is about 30,000 to 1. So, when you call an ambulance for a B.S. reason, 29,999 people don't have access to the closest ambulance, if they need one.

So, At what point would YOU call an emergency 911 ambulance for someone?

1. If you think it might be a person and there's a slight possibility that, if it is a person, he might need a little help, but you're not willing to go find out if it is a person OR if he needs some help, cause you're an inconsiderate dumbass?

2. If you know it's a person and there's a slight possibility he might need some help, but you're not willing to go find out for yourself, cause you're an inconsiderate dumbass?

3. If you know it's a person and there's a better-than-average possibility he might need some help, but you're not willing to find out for sure, cause you're an inconsiderate dumbass? For example, someone just crashed his car, but you have no idea if he's hurt and/or if he wants an ambulance.

4. If you know it's a person, you know he needs some help, but you also know he doesn't need an emergency 911 ambulance, but you're not willing to take him to the hospital, and you still want to feel like you're a good person, so you just call a 911 ambulance for him, cause you're an inconsiderate dumbass? For example, an acquaintance of yours is sick, he needs to go to the hospital, you know the only thing an ambulance can for him is give him a ride (just like you could), but you don't want to deal with it (due to blood, vomit, coughing, mucous, time, or because you'd have to help him get in the car), so you just call an ambulance, because you're a Christian, and Christians call 911 for people when they want to feel good about themselves.

5. If you know it's a person, you know he needs to see a doctor, you know that the person needs to be moved by a stretcher (because he's an invalid or has a chronic illness), but you also know he doesn't need an EMERGENCY 911 AMBULANCE (there is no life-threatening emergency condition, for which the ambulance has a remedy, and time is not a factor...e.g., he's had a bed sore for the past two weeks...or he has the flu), and you're not willing to go through the hassle of calling and waiting for a private ambulance, so you just take the easy way out and call an emergency 911 ambulance, cause you're an inconsiderate dumbass?

6. If you know it's a person, but you know he's dead, and you know he's been dead longer than 15 minutes (so he can't be revived), but you call for an ambulance anyway, because you don't know what else to do, or you don't want to wait around for the police, cause you're an inconsiderate dumbass? If you didn't know before, I'm telling you now. If someone is obviously dead, when you call 911, specify that the person is dead, and tell them you only need the police, not the ambulance. 911 Operators are too dumb/cautious to make decisions for themselves; you need to tell them you don't need an ambulance. Now that you know, tell a friend (along with everything else you learn on this highly educational blog).

7. If you know it's a person, and you know for a fact that he needs an emergency 911 ambulance, due to uncontrollable blood loss, an uncontrollable airway, a heart attack, a cardiac arrest, a stroke, a need for heavy splinting or spinal immobilization, or any situation where, if the person did not go by emergency 911 ambulance, his condition would get a lot worse, or he would likely die?

Leave your answers in the "Snotty Remarks" section. If you're mentally impaired, you may select more than one answer (e.g., "Hi, this is Brad. I select answers 1-6, cause I'm a socialist retard.").

Attempted Suicide...Practice Makes Perfect

We were called to a high-end loft apartment of a 33 y/o BF, for an attempted suicide. When we got the call, the notes on our computer said that she was shooting up the place with a shotgun, and she's about to shoot herself. It sounded like a TRUE emergency, so we only took a few more bites of our dinners, and then we moseyed on over there.

They called the right ambulance driver, because if anyone can talk someone out of shooting themselves, I can. My technique...based on the theory that people usually only kill themselves when they are coming OUT of depression...I use my verbal skills to drive them deep enough back into depression that they no longer have the willpower or self-respect to kill themselves.

Her girlfriend (the apparent femme in the relationship) called us because she got scared when the patient fired the shotgun in the house and blew a hole in the ceiling. That would explain why she's the femme...only a femme would be scared of a little shotgun fire in the house. The patient was trying to make her girlfriend think she was trying to shoot herself, and she accidentally missed. The rest of us aren't fooled by that sharade...you would have to be a complete failure to miss your own head with a shotgun.

When we got there, and after the police made sure the scene was safe for a couple of EMS pansies, the patient and her girlfriend were sitting in the kitchen arguing about 'you don't love me anymore' and 'why did you call the cops?...you betrayed me.' The gun was on the bed in the bedroom, and there was in fact, a big hole in the ceiling. The police took all of her guns away (perks of the job, I guess...we get free band-aids...they get guns), and after about an hour of trying to verbally persuade her to go to the hospital, the police forced her to go to the county mental health hospital. She did not go easily. The police had to kick her ass a little. It turns out, the patient was a federal police officer, so she kind of knew her way around resisting arrest.

You would think that would be the end of the story, right? I mean, you figure, if somebody is being rehabilitated by the county, they're going to emerge as a well-adjusted, mentally stable person, right? Plus that, the government took away all her guns...how would someone without guns hurt themselves or others, right?

Two weeks later, we got called to the same apartment. This time the computer said that the patient was inside the apartment, she had a gun, and she was waiting for the police to break in so she could fire at them, hoping they would return fire and kill her (police assisted suicide).

When we arrived, there was no shortage of police on hand. They live for this stuff. I don't know if their motivation was more to save her from shooting herself, or if they were hoping to be the one who got to shoot her. They were all dressed in their semi-SWAT gear. A couple of guys even had shotguns and assault rifles.

They asked us to breach the door, and when we did, the door only opened about a foot, being stopped by someone standing behind the door. The cops started yelling, "she's behind the door...she's got a gun...put the gun down, mother fuck#r...come out, god damn#t, ....put the fucki#g gun down..."

They continued yelling at her for about 10 minutes. The neighbors were poking their heads out of their doors, trying to see what was going on, and then quickly retreating, like a bunch cowardly sissies. We, of course, were hiding out 10-15 feet down the hall, waiting for the gun fight to end, like a bunch of cowardly sissies.

After about 10 minutes, one of the officers got really brave and looked in the crack in the door...then...Bang, Splat...the officers brains were sprayed all over the wall, ceiling, and all over the other officers. The other officers started firing at the girl, then she fired back, and when the smoke cleared, the girl was dead, and 8 officers were dead...it was a total bloodbath.

Just kidding..., when the officer looked in the crack, he saw a rope and said, "she's got a rope!...she's got a fucki#g rope!... ...(pause) ... ...why does she have a fucki#g rope?" Then he re-acquired some courage, got closer, and looked again. When he looked in the crack, he saw her looking back at him through the crack. He jumped back, processed what he saw, and said, "I think she's hanging by the rope." They looked again and verified that she was in fact hanging by a rope behind the door. We all felt kind of sheepish for engaging in a SWAT standoff and yelling obscenities at a dead, hanging chick.

We did what only highly trained medical professional are capable of doing...we checked to make sure she was dead, which was apparent without even touching her, since her eyes were bugged-out & all dried up. Also, her face was white (she's a black girl), and there were hardened stalagtites of snot hanging from her nose and mouth. She also had a touch of rigormortis. She must have been dead for more than a couple of hours. She was hanging by a rope, attached to the exposed plumbing of the loft-style apartment. Her feet were about 1-2' from the gound. I have a sneaking suspicion she wasn't messing around this time.

It was a tiny bit weird when I got up close and looked in her eyes...allowing myself to think illogical thoughts, just for a second, wondering if somehow she can still see me looking at her through her dead, bugged-out, dried-up eyes...and thinking it was kind of rude of me to be staring at someone like that. I also wondered, just for a second, if she could somehow hear the jokes we were telling each other about a girl hanging from a rope and about the situation, in general (SWAT standoff with a hanging chick). Don't count on a bunch of cops and firemen to solemnly respect the dead when nobody else is around...there have been a few times when we've had to take a second to collect ourselves, stop laughing, and wipe the grins off our faces before walking out where the public could see us, at the scenes of dead people.

I left the scene feeling disappointed and confused. I could hardly believe that my government failed to stop her from hurting herself. You would think that taking away her guns and sending her to a government mental health rehabilitation center would do the trick. I mean, if government can't keep me from hurting myself, who can? I suddenly feel so unsafe, insecure, and scared to be alone with myself. The world is a different place.

"Just To Be Safe"...The Apparent Theme of Another Fun-Filled Day of Hauling Losers to the Hospital

Metro Bus Boo-boo
7:48 We responded to a fall on a Metro Bus. Reportedly, a handicap person fell down inside of the bus, and the Metro driver called an ambulance. The pt. was a 45 y/o seemingly retarded BF, who was complaining of a boo-boo (little-to-no pain) to her left leg. She told the bus driver that she didn't want no ambulance, but he called anyway, because he said, "...just to be safe...you never can be too safe."

Hospital Next Door Not Good Enough For a Free-Loader
8:24 We responded to the home of a 65 y/o BF CO chest pain. Her home is less than one block from a hospital. She said she called us because she wanted to go to a hospital 35 miles away. We told her we wouldn't take her to that hospital; it was too far. She got really mad at us that we wouldn't drive her 35 miles away for her life-threatening, emergency chest pain situation. We asked her why she didn't want to go to the hospital next door, and she said it was a bad hospital. She didn't have any medical insurance, which is probably why she wanted to go to a better hospital...as long as she wasn't paying for it, why not go to the most expensive hospital? I guess beggars CAN be choosers. Upon further questioning, she told us she was just diagnosed with kidney stones two days ago, and she revealed that it actually hurts more around her kidneys than her chest, and it feels just like it felt two days ago when she went to the hospital for kidney stones (she originally called it "chest pain" because she thought it would get her taken care of faster). She opted to walk from her house to the ambulance, parked in the street, which was half the distance of the walk to the hospital next door. Then we drove her to a hospital 5 miles away, passing the hospital next to her house on our way.

Do-Gooder Thought He Was the Only One on the Road With a Cell Phone
10:05 We were called to a 3-car accident on the freeway. We were called by someone who was driving by. We called the caller to find out exactly where the accident was, and he said that he didn't know if there were any injuries. He called 'just to be safe.' It turns out there were no injuries. When are these brain-dead, do-gooders going to learn that if someone wants an ambulance, they'll call for an ambulance on their own damned cell phone? Did this guy really think he was the only driver on the road with a phone? Attention Harry-the-Hero, it's not 1989, you're not the only one with a car-phone; everyone has at least one cell phone. Nobody needs you to call 911 for them while you're driving by at 65 MPH, not knowing where you are or if anybody actually needs an ambulance.

The Overturned Truck Driver Was the Only One That Didn't Need an Ambulance
10:27 We were called to another 3-car accident at an intersection. A 55 y/o BF, driving a VW Beetle with minor damage, said she had pain in her chest from the seatbelt. She said she wanted to go to the hospital 'just to be safe.' When we put a C-collar on her and taped her down to a backboard (which is the ONLY thing an ambulance can do for you when you're in a car accident...stabilize your spine), she told us, "I don wan no neck braze on...I think I might be clastrophobic." So we took her to the hospital without the only thing we can do to help. Then there was a 39 y/o BM delivery driver in a truck, with VERY minor damage, who decided he needed to go to the hospital to have them look at his minor pain in his left leg, 'just to be safe.' He also complained about the backboard to which we duct taped him. The third driver was a 40 y/o HM, whose truck was flipped on its side, and he said that he was fine and didn't need an ambulance. Somehow the person who causes the accident almost never needs an ambulance, and the victims almost always need an ambulance. Interesting stuff...

Hot Chick
12:30 We responded to the home of a 61 y/o HF CO sudden, unexplainable dizziness and altered consciousness. Maybe it had something to do with cooking food all day in an extremely hot kitchen, without eating. When we got her out of the kitchen, she stopped feeling dizzy and regained consciousness. We healed her. She said she didn't want to go to the hospital, but her husband insisted on her going to the hospital in the ambulance, 'just to be safe.' Her vitals were perfect, but we took her anyway, cause we're puppets on a string.

A Passer-by Mistook a Drunk Person for Seizures
14:00 We were called to a person with seizures. We were disregarded before we got there when a fire truck arrived and found out it was just a drunk dude. Someone else called for him, 'just to be safe.' The guy who called us either really cared about the well-being of the drunk guy in front of his house, or he was aware of the fact that, if you want to get a hobo off your front lawn, you're better off calling an ambulance than calling the police. The police get to decide if they want to respond to your emergency situation, and they often exercise their right to ignore your request for help, but the ambulance is obligated to respond.

One Tiny, Dried-up Cut
15:33 We were called, by a fire truck, to a 42 y/o WM who had driven his car into the safety barrels on the freeway. He said he was just driving along, minding his own business, and "the car in front of him suddenly stopped for no reason." He had nowhere to go, so he hit the barrels, but it was the fault of the guy in front of him. The guys on the fire truck said they stopped when they drove up on the accident, and they called us 'just to be on the safe side.' They wanted us to "check him out" with our highly advanced, ambulance-mounted, injury detectolator. They don't have those mounted on fire trucks yet. It turns out the guy didn't feel like he needed an ambulance for his tiny, dried-up cut on his arm.

Didn't Know How to Use Benadryl Pills
17:21 We responded to the home of a 65 y/o WF CO an allergic reaction. She told us she would rather not go to the hospital if she didn't have to go. Her family called an ambulance for her because she had a swollen tongue and itchy skin, just to be on the safe side. She had no signs of hives or a swollen tongue, and her vitals were normal. It turns out she has anxiety problems, and this happens every now and then. We were talking to her for about 20 minutes, and her allergic reaction miraculously subsided, so she decided she didn't need an ambulance to go to the hospital. A paramedic also explained to her the purpose and proper administration of over-the-counter Benadryl, which she had in her possession but had not taken.

Injury Victim Realized He Didn't Need an Ambulance After All
19:01 We were called to an injury at the park, but we were disregarded because the person decided to leave. I'm getting tired of people realizing they're better off handling their medical problems themselves, rather than using gubment-funded ambulances; they're going to put the gubment (and me) out of work.

Sick Guy 2 Blocks From Hospital
19:35 We responded to the home of an 82 y/o WM, living 2 blocks from the hospital (3 miles from the fire station). He CO feeling a little bit sick for the past couple of days. He had his grandson and two LVN's at the house, and they decided to call US (he was able to walk). So...we took him to the hospital, 2 blocks away. From the time they called us for their highly emergent medical situation, until the time we delivered the man to the hospital, was about 45 minutes, including response time (10 min.), assessment time (20 min), loading time (5 min), transport time (5 min), and unloading time (5 min). It would have taken them approximately 4 minutes to get him to the hospital without the ambulance.

Chest Pains
1:45 We responded to the home of an 87 y/o WM CO chest pains. He wanted to go to the hospital just to be safe. EKG says he's OK, but what do we know?

Let's Play, "Blood, Poop, or Vomit"!...The Ambulance Is a Filthy Place

If I haven't already made you think twice about ever calling an ambulance again, just based on the fact that ambulance drivers are sick, twisted, insensitive, CLOWNS; the information I'm about to reveal to you will really make you never want to call an ambulance again, unless it's a choice between 'call an ambulance' or die (which is the way it should be). Even then, you may just want to choose death.

As you might imagine, the ambulance sees a lot of blood, snot, vomit, poop, spit, sperm, urine, pus, amniotic fluid, after-birth, pre-birth, general non-birth related vaginal sludge, zit-juice, eye goop, ear grease, and any other body fluid you can imagine. Every surface of the ambulance has, at one time, been the depository for at least one, if not all, of these body fluids.

The problem is, most people figure the nice boys that work on the ambulance meticulously disinfect every square nanometer of the ambulance. Most people are delusional. You can count on the nice boys on the ambulance to create an 'appearance of cleanliness,' but don't expect them to actually clean anything. We'll clean up all the most visible chunks of blood & vomit, wipe down most of the visible surfaces, and try to make it smell good; but ambulances are far from being clean. Sure, we change the sheet, most of the time, but that's like trusting a single square of one-ply toilet paper to protect you from a toilet seat in a gas station in Tijuana (I've heard of EMT's trying to go the whole day without ever having to change the sheet, due to VISIBLE contamination). When you're in an ambulance, you are surrounded by biohazardous filth; it's attacking you from all sides.

You know how they say that when you have sex with someone, you are really having sex with everyone that person has ever had sex with? Well, when you ride an ambulance, you are essentially having sex with every hobo & loser that ambulance has ever transported.

Here are some examples of some of the human bio-filth you might find in a typical ambulance...

Backboards
Backboards are the direct recipient of whatever is oozing out of our patients. We get them from the hospital, and we try to pick backboards that don't have any obvious signs of contamination, so we don't have to clean them. These backboards were on my ambulance, ready to be used, at the beginning of my shift. Are you ready to play, "Blood, Poop, or Vomit?"...

Blood, Poop, or Vomit??? This is the area where a patient would lay his head (above).

Blood, with a little fecal matter, is my guess. What's a little fecal matter between friends?

Tape residue collects some of the neatest little specimens.

Probably poop, blood, AND vomit. All three are correct answers.

That's definitely pubic hair, and maybe a little vomit.

I'm guessing that's either blood, poop, or bloody poop.

Stretcher

I won't touch a stretcher without some heavy-duty, space-man-suit-like protection. The top of the stretcher and some of the handles get wiped down every now and then, but everything else goes by the rule, "if it looks clean, then it is clean."

This is a stretcher rail in regular light...

Here's a stretcher rail in black light...notice all the little splatters of 'who-knows-what'.

Here's a seatbelt in regular light...

Here's a seatbelt in black light. These seatbelts make direct contact with every loser we ever transport, AND they're highly absorbent.

This is a latch underneath the stretcher...

Here's the same latch in black light. Since this latch is on the underside of the stretcher, I imagine it has never been cleaned. The rule is, "Out of sight...it must be clean."

Blood Pressure Cuffs
Blood pressure cuffs get cleaned about once every few days, maybe, and every time we use them on someone REALLY bloody. Other than that, when an EMT puts a blood pressure cuff on you, you're essentially sticking your arm into a petri dish containing body fluid samples from every hobo that has worn that cuff over the past few days. Even when they do get cleaned, it's not exactly a thorough cleaning. The same is true for stethescopes, pulse oximeters, and all the vital-taking equipment at the hospital. I mean, why would WE want to clean this stuff, it's not like this equipment has to touch OUR skin, just YOURS.

Here are some cuffs in regular light, and below are some cuffs in black light. Is that vomit I see on the cuff, or is that just some sperm?

Cross-Contamination
Does it make you feel good that EMT's wear gloves? Have you ever thought about all the things EMT's touch, with their gloves ON, that have already been contaminated by some other loser? The reason most EMT's religiously wear gloves is to protect THEMSELVES from you and all the contamination in the back of the ambulance. They touch all the stuff in the back of the ambulance, which has been contaminated by every variety of dung-covered loser you could ever imagine, then they touch YOU.

This keyboard LOOKS innocent, but it's really a breeding ground for every pathogen known to science. Sure, we have our gloves on when we touch it, but then we touch YOU.

I'd rather lick the anus of a dead possum than touch this knob with my bare hands.

These straps have exchanged more body fluids than Wilt Chamberlain.

This IV hanger has never been cleaned; I triple your money back guarantee it. Imagine the lush tropical forest of filth growing on that thing.

Look at this little gem I found in the back of the ambulance. It's a fork with food hanging off of it. Not only will you be contaminated by all the hobos that have ever ridden back here, you'll also enjoy the contamination of the EMT's saliva and trichinosis covered fork.

Here's some goop and sludge hiding on the floor, around the stretcher retainer. It looks like it's probably just some human scabs and some roach poo.

Here's a little more tape residue, which has the ability to collect 400x its mass in human DNA. Which combination of body fluids do you think have to mix together to create the color black?

So...the next time you think the ambulance might be a nice, convenient way to safely get your mother to the hospital, consider the fact that the clowns on the ambulance couldn't care less about your mother's health, they probably don't have anything to give your mother to improve her health or comfort, the ride is about as pleasant as a bicycle with no seat, and most importantly, climbing into an ambulance is like swimming in a septic tank with open wounds. Save your mom the hassle, instead of calling her an ambulance, just stand above her and defecate in her trach tube, then go hook her feeding tube up to her colostomy bag.

U.S. Sinks in World Economic Freedom Rankings

This is a little departure from the ambulance-related stuff, but it's related to the overarching theme of this blog...less government; more freedom.

Are you one of those lunatics that actually still believes in freedom? Do you have trouble swallowing the idea that the U.S. is the free-est country on earth? Does it make you sick to hear "I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free..." or "...O'er the land of the FREE and the home of the brave..." or "...With liberty and justice for all"? This article is about an economic freedom index, which indicates that the U.S. is slipping in its ranking as a free country...

Economic freedom, though on the rise around the world, has significantly declined in the U.S. over the past several years. That's the disturbing finding of the 2008 Economic Freedom of the World Annual Report, a highly-regarded study of economic freedom around the world prepared by a team of scholars coordinated by the libertarian Cato Institute in conjunction with the Fraser Institute of Canada.

In the 2000 report the U.S. was ranked the second-freest economy. This year, however, the U.S. has fallen to 8th place, behind Hong Kong (ranked first), Singapore, New Zealand, Switzerland, the United Kingdom, Chile, and Canada. Yes, the U.S. now ranks behind Canada in overall economic freedom, even allowing for Canada's socialized medical system.
According to the Cato Institute, "President Bush's tenure has had a clear negative effect on economic freedom ratings."

Economic Freedom of the World ranks 141 countries on a range of factors in five broad areas: 1) size of government; 2) legal structure and security of property rights; 3) access to sound money; 4) freedom to trade internationally; and 5) regulation of credit, labor and business.

More significant than the U.S.'s drop in the rankings is its fall in the amount of economic freedom measured: on a scale of 0-10, the U.S. fell from 8.55 in 2000 to 8.04, according to the Report. Only five countries have experienced a greater decline over the same time period: Zimbabwe, Argentina, Niger, Venezuela, and Guyana.

"The rule of law, government spending, and regulation are the areas where the United States saw the most troubling declines in its ratings this decade," observes Ian Vasquez, director of Cato's Center for Global Liberty and Prosperity.

These ratings are for the year 2006, the most recent year for which comprehensive data are available.

As it has in previous years, the Report found a strong positive relationship between economic freedom and poverty reduction.

"Numerous studies have shown that countries with more economic freedom grow more rapidly and achieve higher per-capita income levels than those that are less free," notes the Report. "Nations in the top quartile of economic freedom have an average per-capita GDP of $31,480 in 2006, compared to $3,882 for those nations in the bottom quartile in constant 2005 international dollars."

Where there are free markets, there is abundance. Heavy government control of market activity reduces prosperity and wreaks havoc.

Those scrambling to reshape the American economy would do well to remember that.

(Source: Cato Institute http://www.cato.org/pubs/efw/ ) Click on the Map for a better view...

See the Interactive Map

Excel Spreadsheet

Also Check out the Heritage Foundation's Freedom Index

Recovering From a Major Storm...

I won't say which city I work in, or which storm it was, but there was a major storm that passed through our town. This mystery storm wreaked havoc, turning thousands of people into worthless, inept, entitled, begging, victims, waiting for government programs to bail them out of their lack of preparation. Then, when they got their handouts, they actually complained that the government was not doing enough to help. How did it ever become the job of the government to ensure that everyone is well-fed, warm, dry, housed, healthy, and generally happy? The RIGHT to life, liberty, and property is not the same as ENSURING life, liberty, and property. Also, these victims couldn't be happy that they got a LITTLE help from a charitable organization (which collects its donations with guns and force); these losers are actually irate that the charitable organization didn't do more or do it quicker.

The following are some of the ambulance runs I made during the storm recovery...

House A Blaze
8:44 Electricity came back on at a house that wasn't quite ready for it. The electricity shorted out some stuff in the kitchen, and started a small fire under the cabinets. We hung out for a little while, watched the brave firefighters extinguish the blaze, and then took off.

911 Call Got Tired of Waiting For Their Emergency Taxi

9:22 Someone called 911 for a breathing problem, but when we got there, somebody told us they got tired of waiting, and they ended up having to get their own ride to the hospital. I felt so bad that someone had to ride in their own car to the hospital, instead of being able to ride in the highly contaminated luxury of a gubment-funded Commibulance.

"That Light Was Green; I Swear it Was"
9:58 We responded to a car accident at a light-controlled intersection, in which the light was not working, due to the storm. One dude stopped at the intersection, and then he proceeded through the intersection. He did what he was supposed to do...he stopped...he just didn't bother to check to see if any traffic was coming before he proceeded. Some lady was coming the other way, and she didn't even bother stopping. She told us, "That light was green; I swear it was." The traffic light was completely out...it wasn't red, yellow, OR green. The lady had a sore rib, and the other guy had a hurt wrist. Neither of them felt like they needed an ambulance, but the guy with the hurt wrist needed a little education on what an ambulance can and can not do for a hurt wrist. At first he wanted to go to the hospital in the ambulance, but he finally realized he probably didn't need an ambulance, when we informed him that we didn't have any Ibuprofen. He decided he would just go with his wife who was on scene with her car.

Using a Chainsaw to Cut Debris...Oh and, A Little Bit of His Foot...
10:23 We responded to a 40 y/o HM who was cutting tree limbs from in front of a bank with a chainsaw (motosierra). He hit a knot in the tree, and the motosierra bounced back and hit his foot. The motosierra cut through his shoe, his skin, and some of his bones and tendons. The entire area was painted with blood. When we arrived, he was in his friend's truck, with his foot wrapped up with shirts, sitting in a pool of blood. We left the wrapping in place, added some pressure dressings, applied pressure, and hauled him to the hospital. The saddest part is that from the time the injury occurred to the time he arrived at the hospital was about 45 minutes. It would have been about 15 minutes if he would have just gone in the car he was sitting in. The guy let me take a picture of his foot after we cleaned up most of the blood...

Imagine Yourself Calling 911 For a Giant Zit

1:22 We responded to the apartment of a 26 y/o HF CO being bitten by a spider approximately 5 days prior. She said she would have gone to the doctor, but there was a storm, so she didn't go. She didn't know whether or not she was bitten by a spider; she just assumed she had been bitten because it was such a big, nasty, pus-y, discolored, swollen mound of flesh. We gave her a $500 taxi ride to the hospital (with no treatment...we've got nothing for a big infected wound), and when we arrived, the nurse diagnosed her spider bite as a giant zit, and she sent her to the waiting room with the other 50 victims of the storm (in one way or another).

Emergency Elevator Service

12:53 We were called by a 75 y/o WM, living in a high-rise assisted-living home. He lived on the 9th floor. Somehow the assisted-living home did not have a contingency plan for when the elevators were out and a 75 y/o guy, living on the 9th floor, wanted to get downstairs. So, they called 911. We carried him down 18 flights of stairs (2 per floor). When we got downstairs, he asked us to get him close to his car. When we got close to the car, he stood up, walked to his car, got in his car, and drove himself to the airport for his trip to New Orleans. I guess he'll call 911 when he gets to the airport, so they can carry him to his plane.

Warning...Do Not Cut Your Arteries With Broken Glass

18:01 We responded to a 33 y/o HM who was moving some broken glass (from the storm), and he dropped it on his leg. By the time we got to his house, there was blood all over his house. You could see the storyline of what happened and where he walked by following the trail of blood. His blood pressure was kind of low (around 90 palpated), so we loaded him pretty quickly and took off for the hospital. He said it was actually squirting blood, which means it was probably an arterial bleed. He had applied duct tape as a tourniquet, and he had wrapped his wound in duct tape. However, even with all the duct tape, there was still quite a bit of blood coming out all over the stretcher and ambulance. The hospital staff put on their riot gear and un-wrapped the wound.....only to find that the artery had apparently retracted, and it had stopped spraying blood. Very disappointing. I didn't even bother taking a picture at that point.

I Don't Think I Want To Go To The Hospital, So I'll Just Call 911

19:49 We responded to the home of a 42 y/o WF CO dizziness while she was running several miles. She said she has heart arrythmias, and she also might have anxiety. She told us she didn't really want to go to the hospital; she just wanted us to come look at her and let her know if she really needed to go. I guess that's what 911 has become...a step between going to the hospital and not going to the hospital.

Crazy Chick With a Tummy Ache

21:47 Responded to an apartment complex for a 24 y/o WF CO a tummy ache for the past 5 days. She didn't want to go get looked at until now because of the storm. She had no other complaints, and her vitals were normal. She was, however, very crazy...taking all kinds of crazy meds. We took her to the hospital, and they sent her the waiting room to wait with the other hundreds of tummy aches.

$500 Debit Card Prank

My favorite part of the whole storm recovery was when some pranksters actually got a rumor going that FEMA was going to give out $500 debit cards to victims of the storm (I swear it wasn't me...there are people far Crusty-er than I am out there). Thousands of people showed up along with News crews. There were no debit cards, and the people nearly started rioting. They were quoted as saying "FEMA neeta pay us fo da gas we use ta drive hee-ah ta git ah checks" and "FEMA ain't heppin us out nough; dey neeta give us mo'...ah people is suffrin!"